Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I have struggled off and on with depression since I was 16 years old. It started when my relationship with my daughter's father began and has haunted me since. I spent days in high school just sitting in an office with a counseler just crying. It was mostly due to the fact that her dad tore out every ounce of self confidence, trust, and worth I had in me. I got to my smallest weight in high school because I just stopped eating or sleeping, or the opposite I slept all the time. After Bailey was born I struggled with it again. Afraid I wasn't going to be able to provide for her, that I wasn't going to be able to find her a dad she could actually look up to etc., and again when my ex fiance started the process of leaving me and then when he left. Sometimes I store it up and then it just eats at me. I'm a firm believer that I don't have a reason to be depressed because other's have it much worse. This was instilled in me from an early age. So I'll just start crying out of the blue because I've let it build up in me. Then I feel bad for feeling the way I do. Well I learned to overcome this with exercise. When I'm sad, depressed, angry, etc I run, I clean, I do TurboFire, I kickbox the hell out of something...and I'm better. I've been stuck on a couch for a week, I can't walk let alone the things above. I'm in a house that isn't mine. I have no control over anything and that is a problem for me. Today I quit my hotel job permenantly, then 6 hours later got a call from the job I kept and was promised 30 hours at...telling me she only can give me 13. Now I am job hunting again. Other things are bothering me which I can't talk about on this page due to the readers who I know have atleast previously read this. Then there is men, I like a guy, one that isn't taken or I find out is severly overage for me, and yet I feel like I have no chance. I can't trust myself to go out there and see. My selfconfidence is something I'm still working on due to my recent re-weight gain. So I'm admitting...I'm not positive 100% of the time, I have my down days, like I think everyone is entitled too. So don't put a smile on 24/7 if what you really need is just a good cry. Cause that's what I'm doing tonight, I'm going to get out a good long cry...then wake up tomorrow with a smile because I dealt with it and I'm going to see the best in everything I can. Each day God gives us the chance to start over and wake up refreshed.